Word List

Descriptive words of "little" me:

-kind

-loud

-sincere

-obnoxious

-innocent

-optimistic

-CURIOUS

-silly

-dirty

-obedient

-sensitive

-confident

Descriptive words of "current" me:

-obnoxious

-silly

-stubborn

-optimistic

-approachable

-aware

-hopeful

-lost

-nervous

-anxious

-shy

-determined

It's funny what's similar and what's different. I'm a lot more doubtful of myself. And I'm a lot less sincere about the things I do or the way I act. But I'm obviously more educated. And I'm more balanced. Growing up is weird. 

-E

Zero to Hero

This isn't original, but it doesn't mean it's not genuine. Honestly, the people I consider heroes in my life are my parents. Both my mother and my father were teen immigrants that somehow created and built a STABLE life for my brother and me.

They are both strong, independent people. But they also tag-team each other in their strengths. My mom is strong and logical; my dad is patient and empathetic. They're sensitive to others' needs and are aware of where their help is needed. All the while, they've built this world where my brother and I have always felt capable beyond description. 

They're honestly really far from perfect. But they help others the best they can with all that they have. And I think that's the best way I could ever describe a hero. 

-E

[Spongebob Cue Card] Five Years Later...

If all goes as planned, five years from now I will be in my second year of law school. Which law school, who knows? But it will be one that makes me happy and it will probably be located where I'm going to continue my career afterwards. Maybe I'd meet my significant other by then, but if not it's okay. I'd be in my first stable apartment and it would be the first time in a long time where I can fully make the place my own. I'd have a low-maintenance pet, like a turtle or a kitten, and I'd be going to the gym on a routinely basis because I already decided that's a responsibility for Future Esther. I probably won't have dyed hair. Unless I do. Who knows.

-E

24 Going On 25.

Five years from now I will be turning 25. I will hopefully be out of college and done with all school. Maybe I will be in a long term relationship--hopefully, soon to be engaged? Ya know, I had an ideal timeline planned out for my life but I feel like fate is truly just going to do its own thing. I will hopefully have a steady job. I don't know the specific title, but I hope to be working at the Los Angeles City Hall. If not, then I hope to be traveling. I also hope all of my family is doing well and they are healthy. I will most likely get another dog to give Dobby some company. If I am back in LA, I hope to have an apartment and living on my own or with one other roommate. I really hope I am in a position where I am able to take care of my mom. Not like physically--hopefully not physically. She better be doing well--health wise. And, life wise--I just hope that she is less stressed with her financial situation.

In the end, I just hope that in five years I will be happy.

-Jacks

I guess I'm not over it

When I was a kid, around 4 or 5 years old, I made it well known to everyone who had functioning ears that I wanted a little sister. It became a running joke between the elders of the church to ask me (in front of my parents) what prayers I wanted God to answer, and it was always the same thing: a little sister. It made my parents nervous because they were done having kids but they didn't know how to tell me that, so they just let me pray. 

As I got older and hit about 8 years old, I changed the prayer up a bit. I figured I was being waayy too selfish and limiting and so I let God know that it didn't have to be a girl, a little brother would've been okay too. "Dear God, send me a baby brother OR sister" was my new and constant prayer. 

When I was in the seventh grade, around 12 years old then, I thought God had finally answered my prayers. My parents took in a foster child and even though I've gone through the process before with other foster siblings, I made the most dreadful mistake anyone working as a temporary foster family can do: I fell in love with the kid as if he was my real baby brother. 

In the shortest words, he was my first critical lesson about what this "unconditional love" everyone talked about was all about. He was so hurt and damaged when he first came to our home and yet he taught me so much about kindness and gentleness and growth about love and so much more love, he really did. Don't get me wrong, my parents loved him too, but I was the one who changed his diapers and gave him baths and held his hand as he started to walk and I really loved him. Everyone at church wanted to play with him and hold him (as they like to do when newborns are introduced) but at the end of the day, he was always returned to my arms. Man, I really did love him. And you know what? I think he loved me back. 

Anyways, the worst day of my life was the day I came home from school and found him strapped in a car seat, napping. I walked into my house, confused, and saw his mom sitting on my couch and not in jail as I thought she should've been for the next couple years. It turns out she was released early and took a couple of classes on anger management or something and she was ready to take back custody of him again and that's why she was there. I was a kid, so I had no say. When I confronted my mother - crying my eyes out as soon as they left - for being so heartless and letting them take him from us, she turned away and reminded me that he was her baby, not ours. Now that I'm older, I see that my mom was seeing the situation as a mother herself and couldn't ask the lady to leave her kid, but that still doesn't make me feel better.

The mom and her kid moved out of country about a week later. I don't know how they're doing. I hope he's okay. 

Yeah, that's it. I used to use my anger and frustration as fuel for personal writing and volunteer work. I was really angry at my parents, definitely God, and quite frankly the entire world. That boiling anger actually lasted all the way up to a giant chunk of high school too. But now I just sorta feel empty whenever I think about him. So this post was fun to reminisce on. And the worst part is that I loved him with my entire heart and we taught him so much and he doesn't have a single memory of us because he was still so young. I finally understand why all those old relatives ask me if I remember them, and it's sad because I never do. But it's been over and done for a while so I'm okay now, I guess. 

See ya next Saturday, 

-E

(P.S. Sorry for the culture-appropriating costumes, it was for a Thanksgiving skit and we didn't know better at the time. My sincerest apologies.)

Cuz You Have A Bad Day

*cue Daniel Powter or Alvin & the Chipmunks

So, I can't remember one specific bad day. I can, however, remember the reason for those bad days: my parents arguing. When I was little, my parents would argue all the time. My dad would say that he would leave the house and, at one point, he did. He left for like a year. I was very young and my mom had just had my brother. It was very stressful for my mom and I. She always put on a brave face, but I knew she was feeling horrible.
I believe that those arguments shaped me into the person I am today. I know they were very hurtful--especially for a child whom was around six years old--but I don't want my parents to be thought of as being bad parents. Yes, fighting in front of me really hurt me, but it taught me a lot. It taught me that sometimes people need support even if they don't say it out loud. It taught me that you have to make tough decisions even though you may love someone. And, it taught me how parents are not always right.
The downside to the arguing is that I became a very reserve and anxious person. (I must really sound like a fucked up person right now) After having experienced so much fighting, I started doubting people. Making friends became difficult. Speaking out loud was agonizing. And, saying "I love you" became pointless. I still haven't fully surpassed these difficulties. I, probably, experience more stress now because I am more aware. I feel like I am losing friendships because I feel like I am bother to people. I feel like I am distancing myself from my family because I don't know how to express my feelings--which sucks. I really want to say how much I appreciate everything but I don't know how. I feel that if I start to vocalize my feelings then I will hurt them or they will hurt me.

I am really scared of getting hurt.

-Jack