My Dearest Esther

To 5 year-old me:

I love you so much. Continue asking questions. Learn, okay? Don't ever stop learning. Talk to the people that love to listen to you and leave them alone if they tell you to do so. It's okay to talk to yourself. Say sorry if you hurt people's feelings. Remind mama, daddy, and Julio how much you love them because they are the only people in the world that won't get tired of listening to you say that. Continue being nice and make sure to help mama with the chores whenever you can. Keep singing, too, loudly and without a care. I love you so much and I want you to know that you're my inspiration, even if I'm the bigger one. I love you. 

-Esther 

To 10 year-old me:

I love you, you beautiful, intelligent girl. It's okay if you're not in the same class as your friends, just keep working hard. Stop fighting with Julio because let me tell you, you're going to miss him real bad when he's gone. It's okay not to like the same things your friends like, you don't have to grow up fast. You're going to learn a lot about yourself and the people around you soon. Be nice and be patient, things will make more sense as you continue to learn. I know I've told you to keep asking questions, but now it's time to learn about silence. Sometimes it's better to not say anything at all, even if you want to talk. It's called being considerate. Be careful of what you say, when you say it, and who you say things too. Yes, all of these are important. Keep singing loudly though, and make sure you help mama with all the chores, you hear? I love you.

-Esther 

To 14 year-old me:

I love you SO much, baby girl. I'm sorry you're so mad. I can still feel it sometimes. I'm sorry they don't understand, but I hear you, I promise. And I promise you that you'll learn a lot about yourself because of this. Learn to forgive, baby girl, your parents and your friends and yourself. Trust me on this, once you figure that out, your world will change. Wanna know the secret to being really cool in life? Be nice. I know how you are, and I'm telling you just be nice. A lot of people need it and I know you can be their friend if they need you to be. Enjoy yourself while you can, dad only gets stricter. Make sure you call your brother; don't be rude. You don't need to grow up so fast. You're not going to get your first job for the next two years so quit applying everywhere. Also, you're going to really love driving. That cool feeling never goes away. But please be careful. You're just fourteen, you're in no rush to be on the highway right now. Plus you're going to get mom and dad in trouble if you get into an accident so just be careful. Also, remember to be yourself baby girl, because everything that you love now, you're going to find other people in college that'll love the same things and they'll turn out to be some of your best friends ever. Keep singing, keep learning, and make sure to do the chores before mama gets home, Lord knows she can use your help. I love you.

-E

Favorite Music

Because I've only gotten more indecisive over the years, I tend to stick to my younger self's favorites when these types of questions come up. In this case, my favorite band is Tenth Avenue North. They are a contemporary Christian band that, just like any good music does, really inspired and helped me through critical times in my past. Growing up in a church, I found it incredibly easy to be intimidated by the idea of God, especially through the music that tends to be played. A lot of church/gospel music reminds the audience about the Bigness of God's "entity" and how we compare as flawed, minuscule, almost irrelevant, beings. As I went through the time in my life in where it is required for one to doubt, question, and refuse everything we once learned, Tenth Avenue North provided music that diminished the idea of me be being tiny. In fact, I think this band does a great favor to contemporary Christian music in producing songs that remind the listening audience about their intangible worth, especially in the eyes of God.

One of my favorite lines from their earlier hits is:

"You are more than the choices that you've made. You are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create, You've been remade. 'Cause this is not about what you've done, but what's been done for you. This is not about where you've been, but where your brokenness brings you to. This is not about what you feel, But what He felt to forgive you, And what He felt to make you loved." -You Are More (2010)

Regardless of whether I was facing good times or bad times, TAN's style of writing and music production was a refreshing and constant sense of reassurance that above all, I am enough to love and be loved, and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters to me.

See you on Saturday,
-E