Oh, Jackie.

Dear 10 year old me,

How do I begin? I wish I could tell you that life gets easier and that you will accomplish everything you put your mind to--but I would be lying. Life only gets more complicated. You will be faced with many decisions that, at the time, will make you contemplate whether anything is worth it. However, don't doubt your self that much. Follow your gut but never ignore your intuition. Things do get a bit easier. I know that at this age you are feeling lonely, but you are not. You do have friends and you're not the black sheep in the family. Open your eyes and see all the people that care for you. Open your heart to the love that is being given to you. Don't push people away because the only person you are hurting is yourself.
In a few years, you will start becoming insecure. You will start comparing yourself to other people, which you shouldn't. Your body will change and so will you. You will understand the true meaning of friendship. You will also start to notice that not everyone you look up to is amazing. You will start to notice how horrible people can be and that will make you feel like you can't trust anyone. But, be trusting of people. I know that you became terrified after seeing the police be brutal to a poor old woman trying to make a living from selling fruit on the streets, but don't let that stop you from exploring your city. Be safe, however. Always be aware of your surroundings. Listen to your family. Even though they can be annoying, at times, and extremely over protective, they are trying their very best to give you everything they can.
You will live some amazing moments in middle school and make sure to truly enjoy them. Take more pictures. Read more books. Make yourself well educated. You aren't the brightest bulb. There is so much to learn in the world. Whatever you think you know is not even a percentage of what there is to learn. You don't know everything, so don't get offended if someone wants to correct you. Be accepting of others. Take deep breaths and always think everything through.
Also, follow your passions. I know you love music, but I also know you are afraid you won't ever understand music. Learning how to write music is not easy and neither is learning how to play an instrument. Have patience with yourself. Although, it may take you longer to learn something compared to other students, you will get it in the end. Don't quit something just because you are afraid.
Throughout the years, a thing I have learned is that curiosity is sometimes the little push that we need. Take care of yourself, Jack. And, enjoy your childhood.

 Things have a way of falling into place, as cliche as it may sound.

Love, 

Jackie

Favorite Music

Because I've only gotten more indecisive over the years, I tend to stick to my younger self's favorites when these types of questions come up. In this case, my favorite band is Tenth Avenue North. They are a contemporary Christian band that, just like any good music does, really inspired and helped me through critical times in my past. Growing up in a church, I found it incredibly easy to be intimidated by the idea of God, especially through the music that tends to be played. A lot of church/gospel music reminds the audience about the Bigness of God's "entity" and how we compare as flawed, minuscule, almost irrelevant, beings. As I went through the time in my life in where it is required for one to doubt, question, and refuse everything we once learned, Tenth Avenue North provided music that diminished the idea of me be being tiny. In fact, I think this band does a great favor to contemporary Christian music in producing songs that remind the listening audience about their intangible worth, especially in the eyes of God.

One of my favorite lines from their earlier hits is:

"You are more than the choices that you've made. You are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create, You've been remade. 'Cause this is not about what you've done, but what's been done for you. This is not about where you've been, but where your brokenness brings you to. This is not about what you feel, But what He felt to forgive you, And what He felt to make you loved." -You Are More (2010)

Regardless of whether I was facing good times or bad times, TAN's style of writing and music production was a refreshing and constant sense of reassurance that above all, I am enough to love and be loved, and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters to me.

See you on Saturday,
-E

Music.

Being asked who my favorite artist is, what my favorite band is, and what is my favorite song is will never be easy. I will never have a simple answer because I have multiple answers. I am one of those people that is passionate about music. I have been studying music for half of my life. Music is an experience, to me. There is no better feeling than blasting your music and experiencing a blissful four minutes, in which you feel like you are alone with no worries. Music is powerful. It makes you feel so much emotion and helps you reminisce past moments in your life. However, there is no great feeling like understanding the mind of the musician. When you begin reading music and understanding the mastermind of the the musician, you will begin to understand the beauty of music. I can give you a list of all the artists, songs, and genres I like,  however I doubt you'd like to read a long list.

-Jax 

My Lillies in a Tank

Man, oh man.

My first pet was the most freakin' adorable turtle in the entire universe. Her name was Lilly.

She looked just like this (I got this pic from Google, lol) and she was the tiniest itty bitty thing when I picked her out of a box. I asked a kid that was with us to name her because I'm really bad at deciding things. (Funny story, it turns out the kid stole the turtle name from my cousin, who also got a baby turtle which she named Lilly. My cousin was mad but I couldn't change her name because my Lilly and I were already attached lol.)
I honestly did love my turtle. She was so cool and sassy and she loved me back. She wasn't demanding like a cat or dog would be 'cuz she could chill in her tank but I swear to God she loved to snuggle when I'd take her out. She also won most of the turtle races we had and she had this little ticklish spot at the bottom of her shell and dang, she was a great listener to 'lil me. I pimped out her tank and she was really clever in finding ways to escape and she was perfect. She grew up to be quite big. When I first got her, I could close my hand with her in my palm. After a couple of years, there was not way I could carry her without using both of my hands. She reached a point where she surpassed my cousin's turtle's size and overall I was the proudest turtle mommy there ever was.
One day, there was a little neighbor girl that I babysat that offered me her turtle. It turns out they had to move homes and their new place wouldn't accept turtles. I (obviously) agreed and after persuading my mother on the brilliant idea, her mother came and dropped off the new turtle the next day. It turns out the younger turtle's name was also Lilly. (Another funny story, this neighbor girl ALSO copied my cousin's turtle's name after she asked my cousin what her turtle's name was. My cousin didn't like that either, lol.) So for a while I had two Lillies, but I always knew which one was MY beautiful Lilly.
Another year or so passes and I'm babysitting another little girl. I'm older and more mature; handling my business like the responsible 7th grader that I was. She was always captivated by my amazing turtles. One day she asks me if she can have one. Obviously the answer was no, so I ignored her. Her dad comes to pick her up and she tells him he wants a turtle. But not one from the store, no; ONE OF MINE. OBVIOUSLY the answer was NO but he turned and asked me which one I'd be willing to give away. I was shy and didn't know how to say "no" at the time (you live and you learn) so I stayed quiet. He asked my mom, who watched us from the kitchen and she in turn told him that the turtles were mine and it'd be my decision alone. (She definitely overestimated my courage at the time.) He turned and asked me again which turtle I'd be willing to give up. LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT THIS IS A GROWN MAN PUSHING AN AWKWARD KID TO GIVE UP HER TURTLE FOR HIS SELFISH FOUR-YEAR-OLD WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT IT TAKES TO HANDLE A MAJESTIC POND TURTLE LIKE THE ONES I HAD.
I gave him my older Lilly because I felt like I had a responsibility to the baby turtle I promised to care for. To this day I get sick to my stomach thinking about my betrayal. Lilly must've felt it too because as we were exchanging hands, I accidentally flicked her and she bit me (which she'd NEVER done before and basically told me she'd never forgive me which made me cry like a baby from the shame). The man was a horrible person who ended up giving the turtle to a DIFFERENT NEIGHBOR OF MINE LIKE A YEAR AFTERWARDS! I learned to forgive him but I think what he did was a crappy thing to do to a kid.
I saw Lilly during one of my Christmas breaks from college. She looks so big and beautiful, but her tank was a disgusting mess. When I'm officially back home, the first thing I'm going to do is save my beautiful turtle and fix all my past mistakes because I still love her. Hopefully she'll find it in her heart to forgive me and come home with me where she belongs, because deep down, I believe she still loves me too.

-E

Mickey and Phanny

Mickey

Phanny

My first pet was a black Pomeranian called Mickey. Along with Mickey, my grandparents had a mixed Siberian husky. These two dogs were two of the most intelligent dogs I have known. They were beautiful and amazing companions. They were not obnoxious dogs. They were very calm, yet fun. I use to love taking them out to the front lawn and playing with them on hot summer afternoons. Although Phanny belonged to my grandparents, I always felt like she was more my pet. She had a little house--that my grandpa built her--where she would spend most of her time.  By the time I was born, she had already been in my family for around six years. She was old and possessive over her owners but she was loving. I do have to admit that she loved my grandpa the most. He was the person that brought her into the home; and, he was the person that built her a home. My grandpa really loved her, as well. As for Mickey, he was tiny compared to Phanny. He used to love getting into Phanny's little home--which she did not find amusing. He was always excited when he saw me. I grew up with him. Although he was relatively old (in dog years) by the time he became ours, he had a soul of a young puppy. When they both passed away, I was very sad. They were the two only two animals I had. They passed away in the same year, which was horrible. I miss them so much, but I am thankful for the years I had with them.

Till Next Time,

Jax

My Midsummer Night Dreams

So we're hitting the middle of July and this week's post was about summer goals. But because I've been in a habit of not setting any short-term goals for myself, this list will be very short. 

1. Pass my summer classes

2. Go to the beach at least once a week. 

My classes have been fun but hard, so I won't know how well I've done until it's too late (although I should pass just fine, to tell you the truth.)

And I've only missed one week of not going to the beach. So.. so far, so good, I think?

I used to be a lot more ambitious, I swear. I'm not sure what's come over me ever since I started college. Jax, do you have any suggestions for me?

Till next week,

E

Summer Goals

Whenever summer comes around I always find myself thinking about things I'd like to accomplish in my free time. Summer--to me--is like New Year. It is a time in which one can do things that they want to do/choose to do. People have more freedom and time to do things. I understand that it is not the case for everyone, but for me it is. I don't have a job. I don't have school. I simply have time. However, with having so much time, I become anxious and begin to procrastinate all of my plans. That doesn't mean that I don't accomplish things. I probably sound like I am contradicting myself. Just fyi, a lot of the time I am a person full of contradictions. I don't know how to explain it. It just happens.

This summer I have decided that I will do things that I have been wanting to do for a while. 

1. The Three E's
• Eat.
• I want to try new foods therefore I have decided, if I am going to eat out, I will eat at a new restaurant. 
• Along with eating at new restaurants, I will try to eat healthier when not eating outside.
• Explore.
• I'd like to explore new places. I will embark on a mission in which I will act as a tourist in my own city.
• Enjoy.
• I want to not regret my decisions. I will enjoy my time off.
2. Learn Something New
• I have already started thing goal. I have always wanted to learn how to code...and I started just that. I have gotten the basics down but I really need more practice.
• I would also like to learn how to drive. 
3. Change My Fashion Style
4. Read Six Books...at least!
5. Watch TV
• I have a lot of pending tv shows, like:
• Sons of Anarchy
• Arrow
• Daredevil
• Breaking Bad
• Sex And The City
• Parks and Recreation
• Orphan Black
• Sense8
• Gotham
• The Flash
• Walking Dead
• Game of Thrones
• New Girl
• Brooklyn Nine-Nine
• iZombie

Now, I highly doubt I will be capable of accomplishing every goal but I will surely try.

Till Next Time,

Jax

Flan Aka The Best Dessert in the World

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning


Lol I really do love flan. Just thinking about it gets my mouth watering. Oh man, see what you do to me, Jax?

-E