Fear.

To be alone. Some people feel at ease and some don’t. I am one of those that does not feel at ease. I hate being alone. I hate the feeling. I feel lost. For most of my life, I thought being alone was amazing. No one judging you. No one to annoy you. No one there. However, the older I get the more it has turned from bliss to fear. Being alone gives me anxiety. It is strange because I have never had a significant other to be there for me to provide me with support. I have never had to depend on someone, but I was wrong. I grew up with a few friends and my family. Those are people that were always there for me. So now, in my adult life, when I have to do things by myself like going to the dining hall—I feel fear. When I grow attached to someone—and I mean really grow attached to them—comfort is created. The anxiety I once felt is soothe away because I am in their company. It can be anyone too. As long as there is a relationship, I am comfortable. The minute they leave me, the comfort leaves too. My heart starts racing and I can feel how my body is tensing up. I start to create scenarios in my head in which bad things occur. I imagine everything bad to happen to me, which in reality may never happen. Isn’t that sad? How childish? How wrong? I should be independent, well at least everyone tells me that. Actually, you don’t even have to say it. It is expected from people once they reach the age of being able to speak and walk—and past 12 years old. So, does this fear make me less of a person? I don’t think so. It isn’t that I am in search of a significant other. It isn’t because I want to have a boyfriend in order to let people know that I have someone I confide in. I always talk about boys, I feel. It isn’t because I need one. I guess in my head I just created this idea that once I have one, I will be more okay. You know, having so many friends that are in relationships and seeing how happy they are, it is nice. They have a person to confide in. I want that! A person. In my case, I want the person to be of the other gender. It isn’t that I need to depend on him. I don’t need him. I hope I am not coming off as a woman who needs a man in order to feel complete. It isn’t that. I just want someone that can help me through this fear. 

It is simply a scary thing—to me. I don’t want to die alone, although I know that death is a solitary act.I think it would be nice to fall in love. I think it will be nice to start a family. I think it will be nice to grow old with someone. This isn’t a plea to find a special someone. This is simply that I want for myself in the future. 

I guess what I am trying to convey is that I want to see if I can find comfort or security in a relationship. Trust me, I don’t need a man in my life. I just want to see how different it would be to have a man in my life. 

Till Next Time,

Jax